Salman AkhileshAkhilesh Yadav and the Samajwadi Party defended the Saifai Mahotsav saying it was tradition and the people loved it. ‘I don’t understand the criticism I’m facing, it’s not like I made a comment about puppies or something,’ said Akhilesh Yadav. ‘Do you really want me to go to the riot camps and stay there every day? Do you think I am Rahul Gandhi? I actually studied abroad and passed there too and am used to a certain degree of comfort.’

He continued: ‘Did I not send ministers there to distribute blankets? The media doesn’t recognise that but makes a lot hue and cry about a minister playfully cuddling his nephew. You guys are to blame for everything. That’s why I didn’t allow media people to attend the event and see Salman Khan and co. onstage. Just because you have Facebook and 24-hour news channels  doesn’t mean you start questioning everything politicians do. I gave people free laptops and they had the temerity to complain about it not working properly!’ (Read: Why is Salman Khan still a virgin?)

After the official press conference, Akhilesh explained leadership to us: ‘Listen you fellows will never understand. A good leader is not judged by whether he gives basic amenities or not. Look at Julius Caesar, the greatest leader of them all. Did he provide the good people of Rome with food, water and healthcare? No he gave them the Circus where gladiators duelled each other and animals and the people loved the bloodshed and were entertained. He was hailed as the greatest leader of all time. They even made that amazing movie about it.’

Denying criticism about not being sensitive to human values, he said: ‘I even wanted to call the riot victims for this event so they could forget about their troubles and watch Bollywood stars, after all that’s why we watch cinema, to forget our troubles. Don’t judge me like you judge other politicians, I am here to change things.’

Defending his minister’s statement that the UP government was conducting the Saifai Mahotsav to promote arts and culture, he said: ‘Do you know how a culture is judged? Will future generations care whether the riot victims were cold? No but they will certainly remember that Salman Khan came here to shake a leg.  I remember that amazing movie I saw abroad called The Third Man which had the line ‘In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love – they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.’ So would you rather have something as remarkable as Renaissance or the cuckoo clock?’

Disclaimer – This is a satire piece and a complete figment of our imagination.