Merry ChristmasThe holiday season is upon us and as Santa Claus gears up to deliver gifts across the globe; we talked to our favourite people to see what they expect from Father Christmas this year:

Salman Khan Salman Khan - The Eternal Virgin Secret Christmas Wish: To finally lose his virginity ‘It’s been 47 years and I really want to get on with my life. How many dhin-chak movies can I make? What if the audience finally gets bored of me playing the same character again and again and again.  My life has become the desi version of How I Met Your Mother. I just want to meet the girl of my dreams, get married and have sex. I am sick of everyone calling me Bhai.’

Sherlyn Chopra Sheryln Chopra Secret Christmas Wish: People stop thinking of Kamasutra 3D as soft porn ‘Ever since they heard I was doing Kamasutra 3D they’ve given it the soft porn tag. I mean come on, do they nominate soft porn for the Academy Awards? They’ve separate awards for porn, the AVN (Adult Video News) Awards. I just want to be taken seriously as an actor and people should realise they’re watching one of the greatest Indian stories re-told in epic proportions. If Danny Boyle had made it, it probably would’ve been nominated for the best picture as well.’

Arvind Kejriwal Arvind-KejriwalSecret Christmas Wish: The hand holds the broom firmly ‘I know people are shocked that I joined hands with the party I’ve always maligned but I asked the people and they said they want me to form the government. I will rule Delhi like an Aam Aadmi would. Don’t worry, the Congress can’t corrupt me, I’m incorruptible.’

MS Dhoni   MS Dhoni Secret Christmas Wish: To win more Tests abroad ‘I don’t understand why every time we step out of India the critics want me to win Test matches. I mean Sourav Ganguly might have a better away test record but he had the likes of Laxman, Dravid, Sehwag and Kumble. I’ve got Ishant Sharma, what do you expect?’

Hrithik Roshan hrithikSecret Christmas Wish: People stop mocking Krrish 3 ‘I gave India its favourite superhero and I still can’t understand why the critics can’t shut up about it. Even my wife left me after hearing all the jokes and watching the complete movie in one sitting. The Indian critics just can’t appreciate how hard I worked to get in shape for that movie, so what if  there is no semblance of a plot and  it’s lifted from every decent superhero movie ever made? And what is wrong with brand placements? When Bond does it it’s clever marketing, when I do it, it’s crass commercialism.’

Nargis Fakhri   nargis-uday-chopra Secret Christmas Wish: Not to be linked to Uday Chopra ‘I was told that the only way to get into Bollywood is to be linked to either a top actor or a hot director. I don’t know how the cards dealt me Uday Chopra instead. And while I was told that ‘we’re just friends’ quotes for a few days would suffice to drum up enough attention, young Master Chopra went way overboard and condemned me to become a laughing stock here. I hope I never have to hear from him again after Dhoom 3.’

Sunny Leone sunny-leone Secret Christmas Wish: A role in a K serial to revamp her image ‘The stupid adult star tag has ruined my life. I mean I have no problem with what I did but I only get roles where I have to act with total sleaze balls. I mean that Sachin Joshi dude wouldn’t even be taped in an adult movie in the States, forget Hollywood, but somehow he’s the lead actor here. Even Naseerudin Shah – who I was assured, was one of India’s finest actors – wore some bizarre hair and acted weird. I think I need a complete revamp and an Ekta Kapoor serial is the way forward.’

Rahul Gandhi Rahul-GandhiSecret Christmas Wish: People stop making fun of everything he says ‘I’m sick of getting stick for things I say. First, I tried to use the most basic of analogies from Newtonian physics to explain how Dalits could improve their lives but I never heard the end of it. Later I suggested that poverty was a state of mind and even that was mocked. That tea-seller chap says anything his heart desires and they cheer him like he’s the god incarnate but anything I say is derided. Even mommy laughs at me in private now.’

LK Advani Advani-ModiSecret Christmas Wish: Modi realising that he doesn’t want to leave Gujarat ‘I’ve been at the forefront of everything BJP has done from the beginning of time and it’s simply preposterous that someone should waltz in and take my spot. I’ve worked hard and I deserve to be the Prime Minister. NaMo is still young and he can become the Prime Minister later on. I should be given the chance before I become more genial.’

Narendra Modi Narendra ModiSecret Christmas Wish: Proper respect from Uncle Sam (Talking Gujju Godfather style) ‘Uncle Sam has irked me for way too long. First they keep on talking as if I personally ran over everyone like a puppy in the Gujarat riots. Then they treat me like a terrorist saying I’ve violated religious freedom. They have made false accusations. These instances of disrespect will not be forgotten, I’ve got a very long memory.’

Note: This is a satire piece and has no resemblance whatsoever to what our celebrities wish in real life. Merry Christmas