Salman Khan
Millions of hearts were broken when superstar Salman Khan told reporters that he is not interested in either getting marriage or having a girlfriend.

“I am not interested in getting married or having a girlfriend. I am loving my single status. In 30 years I must have been single…I am loving it. I am absolutely having a blast…you have no idea how I am feeling,” Salman told reporters in Mumbai. Of course, the reporters having had sex in their lifetimes had no way to actually feel what Salman was feeling.  “Now that I am single… I can do whatever I can. There is no need to give explanation, or lie to anyone. Whoever wants to come (in my life) can come… but don’t expect anything,” Salman said.

Asked whether he was commitment phobic, the 48-year-old repeated a dialogue from one of his movies, “When I commit…then I commit. Right now, I am non-committal about anything.” Of course there are some people who will never get over Salman Khan and live in the hope that the will in the future get married. Neha Gupta, a 21-year-old Salman fan told us: “I don’t care what Salman says. I can see it in his eyes that he wants to get married.” (Read: Why Salman Khan is still a virgin)

Manju Shukla, 23-year-old says: ‘I know he has drinking problems, smokes a lot but come on he is a virgin. I mean which Indian woman doesn’t want a man like that to be her husband, someone who has waited for almost half a century to enjoy sex because that’s the Indian thing to do.’

Also there was further adulation for his comments on women.  ‘I respect women and I will always continue to do it. I have never spoken ill about anyone,’ Salman said. Mahi Awasthi pipes in: ‘See I told everyone Salman respected women but no one believed me. All those rumours about him pouring drinks over a girl’s head or harassing their family were just blatant lies. Salman is like a cuddly teddy bear.’

Drinking wasn’t also considered a problem by most ladies. Anjali Bhosle said: ‘Who cares if he likes a few drinks? Drinking is quite fine. I know he had that small road issue but those people had no business sleeping on the footpath. Why can’t they sleep in beds like the rest of us? Salman isn’t responsible for that at all. Didn’t he start those Being Human foundation to support poor people. You media people just focus on irrelevant bad stuff from the past. Next you will ask me about that deer he shot.’

(Disclaimer: This is a satire piece and all the people mentioned here except Salman Khan are a figment of our imagination. )