Illustration: Vikram Nandwani
Illustration: Vikram Nandwani

The BJP manifesto was released today by all senior leaders of the party and then to our surprise, Shri Narendra Modi, agreed to explain the salient features of the manifesto to the journalists gathered there, painstakingly answering all questions. Below is the excerpt from the question and answer session:

Q1: Shri Modi, your manifesto mentions that Uniform Civil Code will be implemented in India?

Shri Modi: Code ka toh pata nahin, Uniform mujhe bahut pasand hai! But only Gucci kurtis with Khakhi shorts. I was telling Bhagwat ji just the other day Pink Kurtis with Khakhi shorts and calf leather boots… err I mean leather boots are a great combo. We will implement this.

Q2: No but Mr. Modi, how can there be Uniform Civil Code when you do not include people of various sexual orientations in it?

Shri Modi: Param Pujya Baba Ramdev has found a cure for homosexuals and we will implement it after everyone is cured. Otherwise our dear Murli Manohar Joshi ji has been working on DNA mapping of ‘gau-mutra’, all of us will be cured…arre bhai I mean all of them will be cured then.

Q3: Modi ji Modi ji the Congress is accusing all of you of copying their manifesto?

Shri Modi: How is that even possible? Congress is the most back-dated party and we only copied their release date and printed it in our manifesto. That is true no Joshi ji? Okay maybe not. What? We may have? No? Maybe? Uff now I am confused. Please I only want to be friendly friends, okay!

Q4: But Mr. Modi, what about Ram Mandir?

Shri Modi: What about it? It’s there no, or have we forgotten it like we always do when we come into power. You know I learnt from my seniors to promise it but never deliver anything. *chuckles* Then in a rare sight, Modi ji stood up and started saying a slogan ‘Mandir wahin banayengey, Taarikh nahin batayengey’ and then the rest of the people on the podium also got up and repeated the same.

Rajnath Singh was heard muttering under his breath, arre Modi ji, ab bus bhi kariye, nahin toh statue ka raaz bhi khul jayega.

Okay quickly people now last two questions only. Please be silent and only one by one two more questions from the Adva…errr I mean Mr. Modi, said Mr. Rajnath Singh.

Q5: Mr. Modi, can you please explain this PPPP model? Is it a new model for better efficient governance?

Shri Modi: PPPP stands for 4P, s. P – for Pavitra rishta that I have with everyone. P – for Puff The Magic Dragon…lives by the sea, arre no I meant P – for Private like private enterprises of some of my friends *wink wink*  and P – for Public (you know, same people, jinko Ram ke naam par we are vote gathering for 30 years now) Oh God How I love them all and P – my favorite P, Partnership, coz its best to be in partnership with the right kind of people for the government or was it good for people to be in partnership with the right people in government.

Q6: Okay Last question, Modi ji we are intrigued by this Ayurgenomics?

Shri Modi: This is a very important part of our agenda. How else will Patanjali…I mean Salwar Baba, offo I mean Baba Ramdev our new improved Health Minister will make the entire cabinet do yoga every morning. Now we all must do yoga. You know I have heard even Madonna (with a broad grin) does yoga  every day. On a serious note this is our greatest agenda, to ensure that we all live a happy long Modi-fied life.

Okay folks so there you have it. The real important points of the BJP, s manifesto which was launched a few hours after voting commenced in India.  Please read this with a pinch of salt. This is a satire account of what can happen if Modi ji decides to give an actual interview. Please do not twist your Khakhi knickers! Mitron, just for laughs and to be friends okay, I just want to be friends!

Disclaimer: The above interview is the writer’s figment of imagination.