Movie Review: Veer

The ultra-budgeted highly anticipated two and a half hour-long magnum opus Salman Khan saga can be described in one word - Ugh. This misbegotten motion picture deserves no stars, but because it's not quite the nadir of the swords and sorcery genre, and the fact that Salman Khan is a natural Veer, while it would be a stretch to describe him as an actor, and is appropriately large and expressionless. Everything else about the film 'Veer' is unrelentingly terrible.

Anil Sharma has directed such shockingly inept, acid reflux inducing mega-moronic goo as 'Bandhan Kuchchey Dhaagon Ka', 'Elaan-E-Jung', 'Gadar: Ek Prem Katha', 'The Hero: Love Story of a Spy', 'Ab Tumhare Hawale Watan Saathiyo' and the Deol orgy 'Apne'. Now just imagine what the man would do with a huge budget and a script by Salman Khan. Sharma clearly still has no idea how to direct or edit a movie, but at least there is evidence now to suggest he has mercifully learned how to shoot one. A plodding patchwork of derivative balderdash fantasy-adventure, medieval production design, risible dialogue, bungling CGI and haphazardly edited action sequences, 'Veer' is as interesting as dry plaster.

Sallu had promised that the film would avoid all the cliches of a Bollywood period flick, but almost everything that is wrong with the Bollywood system can be found here. This expensive disaster would have been irredeemable if not for its near-brilliant ability to give the viewer douche chills during its runtime. While it does seem entirely likely that die hard Salman fans will fall in love with this film, 'Veer' ultimately comes off as 150 minutes of funereal waste.

Is 'Veer' so god-awful bad that it's hilariously good? Can't be bothered deciding. Sample this - in the 19th century England there is a JOUSTING match between two knights. Part of the sizable budget must have been spent on a medieval era hair and makeup plan. I've never seen so many perfectly made up, eyeliner-wearing warriors (let alone a hero with L'oreal-dyed hair and a poncho) in a time of brutes and hand-to-hand brutality.

There isn't much to say about the 'story' as 'Veer' veers into unenlightened formula with a yellow pant-clad Salman Khan emerging as the son of a Pindhari sergeant. The Pindharis have a bone to pick with the King of Madhavgarh, because he has allied with the British to wipe them out. For reasons best kept secret Mr Veer goes off to England to study, he falls in love with a mutated zombie version of Katrina Kaif, and then wears a variety of breast plates to massacre people for revenge.

Salman is in fact fascinating - largely because his movies assume their audiences exist in an alternate dimension of human experience. The British set pieces are taken too far, with the posh phoren people sporting a constipated grin that is apparently required of feudal lords. There are a few other cast members including Sohail Khan, Jackie Shroff, Mithun, Neena Gupta and Bharat Dhabolkar but they're all overpowered by the might of Sallu's gas-heavy script and Sharma's clumsy direction.

'Veer' is a different kind of bad than, say, the glossy, homogenous, boring Bollywood bad we get from the Yash Raj camp. This is an impassioned, feverish bad, the kind that is as pure of heart as it is innocent of style. Anil Sharma bad. Its just not bad enough to be as awesome as 'Goonda'.