5 ways to be cool this summer

It’s that time of the year again when out beloved sun decides it really funny to fry the living hell out of us, more popularly known as summer. It seems to be getting hotter every year but don’t worry Al Gore will save us. If global warming really is true then at least in a few years then at least we’ll have bigger problems to worry about, until then let’s focus on the matter at hand, how to keep cool in the summer, here are some tips from our expert panel of writers:

1) Fly South for Winter- It’s kind of like what the birds do, only the exact opposite, leave the country in the hot summer months and fly somewhere far south where it’s winter. This is really expensive and we recommend you use a plane because we as a species are yet to master flight. Once summer has passed you can fly back, except if you liked 2 States in which case you should stay wherever you are.

2) Eat a Lot of Ice Cream- Not that anybody really needs to be told to do that.

3) Don’t Wear Jeans- Jeans are extremely ill-suited to our country’s climate, there’s nothing cool about trying to impersonate an 19th centaury American coal miner. Wear shorts instead, especially if you happen to be female.

4) Stay Indoors as Much as Possible- Because it’s a lot easier than taking refuge in the trees.

5) Shower a Lot- This is the simplest and cheapest way to keep cool. Let’s worry about saving water for another day.

If none of the above are effective we can always begin the ritualistic sacrifice of virgins to see if that works.