Intellectualism-for-dummies1Everyone wants to look and sound smart but that requires years of experience, hard work, intellect and not to mention a lot of reading. However, there are some simple ways you can climb the social ladder and appear smarter than you are. We present intellectualism for dummies:

Diss anything related to mainstream Bollywood

Remember - mainstream bollywood sucks

It’s common knowledge that Bollywood is crap and should be dissed at all times. It doesn’t matter whether you enjoyed Dabaang, Dhoom 3 or Krrish 3, you can’t admit it. Alternative Hindi movies are okay though. You should always talk up people like Anurag Kashyap, Irrfan Khan and Nawazuddin Siddiqui and off-stream movies like The Lunchbox and Gangs of Wasseypur. 

Constantly refer to Franz Kafka or his works and call everyday situations Kafkaesque

kafka-jokerFranz Kafka is the most written about author of all time and you’d do well to pretend you’ve read all his works. His works usually dealt with themes of alienation, physical and psychological brutality, inexplicable bureaucracy and mystical transformations (thank you Wikipedia). It doesn’t matter if you can’t get past one line in any of his books, you must pretend to revere him. Also you can use the word Kafkaesque to describe any dark situation. Example, the Aarushi murder trial verdict was simply Kafkaesque!

Talk about the Bhagavad Gita

gitaThis just doesn’t apply to Indians, the Bhagavad Gita is considered the most intelligent scripture ever written and you’d do well to remember some of its basic tenets. After all, Gandhi (Mohandas not Rahul), called it his spiritual dictionary. You’d do well to go over to Goodreads to memorise some quotes from there. Even Rahul Gandhi would sound smart if he could memorise and spout Gita quotes!

Hate all music that came out after 1980

Classic RockMusic has gone to the dogs; rock is dead whereas country has become awfully shit. So it’s a good idea to badmouth anything you hear on the radio or television. Be particularly vehement about Bollywood music now and compare it to vintages. Also it would be a good idea to memorise the titles of some songs by Bob Dylan, Simon and Garfunkel, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Frank Sinatra and other such artists and bandy them about as your favourites.

Talk pretentiously about wine


Anyone who is intelligent must know about wine. Of course, it tastes like sour grapes but you must pretend that it’s the most exquisite thing that you’ve ever had. Don’t call it nice or good or fruity though, that’s just sacrilege. Instead say something like, ‘While the Chenin Blanc 1993  is a good vintage it simply can’t hold a candle to the 92.’ Don’t worry if no one recognises the wines, no one actually recognises the wines!

Call all things bourgeoisie (pronounced b-u-r-z-w-a)


Bourgeoisie in Marxian terms (Karl Marx wrote the Communist Manifesto) refers to the capitalistic class that owns everything and should be badmouthed by intellectuals. So anytime you see anything pretty, say that is so bourgeoisie. It could be a new car, a new house or anything materialistic.

Call everything a Freudian slip


Sigmund Freud was the founding father of psychoanalysis. Everything was about sex according to him, something the world absolutely loved. But clever people must know about Freud and psychoanalysis. So any time, anyone slips up and says something weird, call it a Freudian slip and explain it’s their unconsciousness talking!

Show disdain for anything trending on social media

Gangnam style

It’s a travesty what goes viral on social media these days – cats, dogs, memes of has-been Bollywood character actors, a fat guy dancing to a song whose words people can’t understand – anything could go viral. To appear to be part of the intellectual elite, you simply must not laugh or appreciate things that appear on social media.

Quote Oscar Wilde


Oscar Wilde was a gifted playwright who was famous for his witty quips and showing an inclination for his works also makes you appear a lot smarter than you really are. Deep stuff like: ‘The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.’ Go to Brainy Quotes and memorise his quotes and you will appear a lot brighter. Also remember that he was gay and was vilified for it, so say how society simply didn’t know how to treat their jewels.

Say how the British left behind their stupid Victorian morality

queen-victoriaThere’s some tendency among most people to blame everything from sexual assault to homosexuality on Western culture and that all this is against Indian culture. Point out that Indian culture was very liberal, that the Kamasutra is the world’s oldest sex manual, that homosexuality wasn’t frowned upon at all and what passes off as ‘Indian values’ these days are actually remnants of Victorian morality that we cling on to from ages gone by!

Follow these 10 tips and have everyone believing that you’re far smarter than you really are. We however take no responsibility if you lose all your friends after following this advice and everyone thinks you’re a pretentious douchebag.

Picture by: Jyoti Desale