I am back with my favourite topic: Internet lingo. Apart from giving ‘major goals’, celebrities the world over are also busy breaking the Internet. If fossils like me took them literally, at this rate, there would be no Internet left to break at all. According to Merriam-Webster, my go-to guys for all words foreign, breaking the Internet used to mean “‘causing it to no longer function,’ but now it has more to do with dominating the conversation in the most well-populated corners of the Internet, especially at the expense of more newsworthy topics.”

So much so that the International Academy of Digital Arts and Sciences, in 2016, added a new category to its Webby Awards: The Break the Internet Award. They figured that this highly destructive-sounding task also deserves appreciation. The first of those went to our own Kim Kardashian West. I say our own because for a few years, even I tried Keeping Up With The Kardashians and when I think of people who are celebrities because they are celebrities, Kim’s name comes first to my mind. I could safely say that she is a celebrity because…search me!

For Webby  Awards guys, breaking the Internet means showing oneself to be “a person with an undeniable talent and natural ability to use the internet to create buzz, engage with fans and communities, and get the world to pay attention.” And our Kim sure knows how to do that. I jog my memory a couple of years further back and recall the woman first broke the Internet, as how it’s come to mean, in late 2014 when Paper Magazine featured her with the headline “Break the Internet” for its winter issue.

This is what happened in 2014. A Jason Derulo number asked brazenly: “Tell Me What You Do With That Big Fat B@#$” and Kim seemed to be answering that query with her photo. The Kardashian family has anyway been making big bucks out of their personal laundry business…imagine getting paid to wash your own dirty linen in public! Kim being who she is, had just the b@#$ to answer Derulo. So she got herself oiled for the cover photo, wearing makeup and little else. While the cover showed her holding a shimmery garbage bag just below her derrière, the inside jacket had her wearing that same bag, which, it turned out, was a gown after all.

On a side note, Kim collaborated with a magazine called Paper. Paper? How original is that? Anyway, so I am amazed at the idea of breaking the Internet by showing the big backside on the cover. If you ask me, all she really needed was to plonk that plush posterior on the Net…could’ve broken it to smithereens! Time agrees with Webby in that breaking the Internet means “engineering a story so that it takes precedence on digital media over other mundane (read: more newsworthy) stuff”. And Kim did succeed in that the whole world got talking about her…ahem…bum.

The cover couldn’t have come at a better time for Kim; it was about time that people like me shifted loyalties to something like Come Dine With Me. Kim had dumped her husband of 100-odd days and whined about how shattered she was. And before we could go tut, tut, she had found another paramour in Kanye West. Then before we could thank our stars that she would be out of our hair for some time, she had gone ahead, got pregnant, married the singer and even named her daughter North.

Add the surname and the child is called North West. Sounds more like the name of a wind or even a province in distant Africa. Two other kids have followed since, with equally bizarre names of Saint and Chicago respectively. Coming back to Kim, the photo made her look like a centaur. But yes, like the Derulo song ended, Kim, “you got a bright future behind.” And so has the Internet, considering how it’s holding up after being broken so often.

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