Mumbai, June 7: Pahlaj Nihalani-led Central Board of Film Certification (CBFC) once again hit the headlines suggesting 89 cuts in Shahid Kapoor starrer Udta Punjab. The Censor Board also asked the makers of the film which also stars Kareena Kapoor Khan and Alia Bhat to remove every reference to Punjab in the title or movie as they believe it could show the state in a bad light. That drug menace has created havoc in Punjab is a different story.
This is not the first film and certainly will not be the last. But the Censor Board is particularly disturbed that it becomes a butt of jokes every time any movie is suggested cuts on any grounds. The board has now decided to come up with a guideline that will help filmmakers and also save the board from the unnecessary trouble of explaining its side. Since Pahlaj Nihalani has taken a staunch stand on ‘reforming’ the Indian cinema, the filmmakers will now have to follow some guidelines to protect their movie from being banned. (ALSO READ: Udta Punjab: Miffed Anurag Kashyap compares India with North Korea)
The golden rule: Never make movie on religion or religious figures. If you follow this norm, your movie is half way through the thorny path. We Indian are so sensitive towards religions and any kind of criticism (reformation) won’t be tolerated. Religious figures could be imaginary but are not meant to be mocked.
No politicking: Indian politicians or celebrities considered as God are like forbidden fruit for filmmakers. Don’t even dare to think to make movie or joke on them.
All is well: Indian society is extremely civilised and doesn’t need any reform. There are no social ills like child labour, domestic violence, rape, drug menace and politics. Hence such subjects should not be touched. Even if you want to raise these issues in your movie, make it as unrealistic as you can. Remember, ignorance is bliss.
Sanskari language: No matter how many times we use cuss words during communication, we can not hear them in your movie. Cuss words are like forbidden fruit. If you ignore this rule then only one audible sound will remain in your movie. That is beeeeepppppp.
No sex: Ignore the word after No and you will come out from the Censor Board office with a smile on your face. How could you even think of sex in public? Don’t ask us about India’s population. If you want to add some sex scenes in your film, better don’t make the film. Same sex marriage or gay rights don’t exist. These things are just state of mind. Leave it.
The guidelines will hit production houses, specially those who indulge in making ‘meaningful’ cinema using foul language, hot, steamy scenes or music videos and promoting western culture. They will be out of job or will have to start making mythological or cartoon films.
But what will happen if these guidelines are followed ?
– There will be no ‘A’ certificate.
– Filmmakers like Anurag Kashyap will have to search for a new profession.
– Sunny Leone will be deported to Canada.
– Only Rajshiri Productions would be allowed to make movies.
– Every movie will have sanskari hero like Salman Khan in Prem Ratan Dhan Payo or Shahid Kapoor in Vivah.
(We hope Censor Board never comes up with such guidelines and deny Indians the true pleasure of cinema like neighbouring Pakistan where more movies are banned than released. This article is pure work of fiction)
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