Family Can Come in Different Sizes: An Infertility Story

As young girls, many of us played house and pretended our dolls were babies. When we grew up, there was societal pressure to make the fantasy a reality.

By Kulbinder Saran Caldwell, CPC

As young girls, many of us played house and pretended our dolls were babies. When we grew up, there was societal pressure to make the fantasy a reality.  The role of  being a mother was considered the end goal for many.  The message was never more loud and clear than recently when the entire world waited on pins and needles for the arrival of the new British heir to the throne. It wasn’t enough that Kate Middleton was now a Princess. She was to bear children as well.

You Can’t Take Anything for Granted

But what if you have difficulty conceiving? Infertility rates are high these days. According to the CDC, infertility affects over 7.4mm in the US.  We are learning more as people share their stories and talk about the difficulties that they’ve faced. Although families come in all different forms, the desire to have a biological child still has quite a strong pull to it. If you are personally one of those affected, how do you deal with the fact that you may never have a child of your own?

Many women suffer in silence, as they try to deal with their fertility issues.  You find yourself seeing babies everywhere — the one thing you want most in this world.  And some are like me.  I am the mother of a beautiful child but want to have another.  I feel befuddled and confused as to why it’s not happening again. We’ve been trying for years and are constantly disappointed by something I once took for granted.

When I was pregnant with Tej, my belly was a point of fascination and pride. People wanted to touch it, then share stories and advice. It told the world that I was awaiting for the arrival of my baby. But it’s the same belly that can turn on you.  The emptiness has an equally strong impact.

Since we didn’t have any trouble conceiving before, we didn’t even start trying until Tej was a year old. But we were wrong about how easy it would be.  After a few months the whole process became very mechanical. I would calculate the best timing and like clockwork we were on the job. We were on pins and needles once a month, immediately followed by a period of depression.  This wasn’t just upsetting me but husband was constantly on edge, too.  It was the opposite of fun and we lost a lot of our intimacy during this stressful time.

We, finally, decided to go to a fertility specialist – we did some tests to make sure that nothing had changed and we were still healthy. There was no medical reason why we were not conceiving. I added detailed cycle monitoring and hormones; although I’m more informed, it hasn’t helped me conceive.

A Different Journey

For my friend Shelley, it was a bit of a different journey.  She was only 16 years old when she was told that children may not be part of her future.  However, at the time, the world was for the taking, so she just assumed that when she was ready for a family, it would just happen. As a self-motivated young woman, for years she focused her plan on her education, career, then marriage.  She was certain that when she was ready, technology would provide her with a child.

Fast forward to her twenties and Shelley’s “starter marriage” as she calls it. She began fertility treatments, hormones and IUI sessions. It was a difficult time since she and her husband really wanted a family but could not conceive.  In retrospect, it may have been a blessing in disguise since it turned out he wasn’t her true life partner.

A decade later, as a thirty-something, single gal around town. she was suddenly surrounded by babies everywhere. Many of her single girlfriends were starting to settle down and she was being invited to a lot of baby showers. Some of the showers were not all joy and happiness.  She had several friends confide in her that they wished it was them having the child. Having gone through that struggle before and come out stronger on the other side, she was very supportive.  She was able to share her view that having all these kids in her life was a blessing and she had a special role.   She could be that auntie, a very special and nurturing relationship in its own right.

Family Can Come in Multiple Sizes

Family was starting to feel like a whole lot more than being able to give birth to a child. Shelley says, “I feel that infertility is such a negative way to refer to this group of ladies who are fertile in many other ways. With our minds, our hearts, just because our body can’t reproduce I don’t think we are any less of a whole person.” Today, she is in her forties married to her soulmate, Brian, together they enjoy their Southern California lifestyle with Shelley being the PANK – Professional Auntie with No Kids.

There comes a time to count your blessings and concentrate on the positive things in your life.  A family can be comprised of two people or many. It is all about love, support and being healthy to enjoy the full relationships that you already have in your life. Time can be a precious commodity and in today’s world there never seems to be enough of it to go around. Sometimes decisions are made for you and if you have even one extra minute to be with the ones that you love, then everything happens for a reason.

This story originally appeared on Saffluence.